Oregon ski patroller on challenges and rewards of her work

Ski season has begun, and along with the many recreational enthusiasts hitting the slopes, professional ski patrollers join them too. These patrollers are responsible for transporting injured skiers, providing first aid, mitigating hazards and more. Cathleen Calkins is a professional ski patroller and board member of Women of Patrol, a nonprofit aimed at supporting and highlighting female patrollers. She also wrote a piece earlier this year about her experience working in the industry. She joins us to share more on what the job is like and the trauma the job can bring, as this year’s ski season begins.

Note: The following transcript was transcribed digitally and validated for accuracy, readability and formatting by an OPB volunteer.

Dave Miller: From the Gert Boyle Studio at OPB, this is Think Out Loud. I’m Dave Miller. Growing up snow and skiing meant joy and freedom for Cathleen Calkins. She never lost that love and at the age of 33, she became a ski patroller. But as she wrote in an essay on Longreads earlier this year, nothing prepared her for the emotional toll the job would take, the ways that responding to trauma would become traumatic itself. Calkins eventually took some time off from ski patrol, confronted those issues head on and once again works the slopes. With ski season underway, we have invited Cathleen Calkins onto the show to talk about the often hidden pain of ski patrollers. It’s great to have you on Think Out Loud.

Cathleen Calkins: Thank you, Dave. Good to be here.

Miller: What did skiing mean to you when you were a kid?

Calkins: Oh my gosh. It was the thing I loved to do. It was something our family did. My dad was a bit of a die-hard skier, and he got us on the slopes at an early age. It was what we did on the weekends. It was just a great experience for me and just to continue to do it is amazing.

Miller: Are there any images from those early years that have most stayed with you?

Calkins: Yeah. I mean, like skiing through the trees with my dad, following my dad. It was like the one sport that I could keep up with him on. And just the cold – it was so cold. And back then, we skied in jeans. So it was just that old school ski experience.

Miller: How much do you remember about ski patrollers in those days?

Calkins: Yeah, I was a good kid but a bit of a punk on the mountain. And they were always there kind of making sure that we weren’t getting hurt or that we were not, I guess, stepping too far over the line. But they were always there, and I just respected how calmly they treated us cause it must have been so difficult. I did ski club in high school and there were so many kids on these nights. I just sort of always felt like they were there to protect us. And that was cool.

Miller: When did you decide you wanted to be a ski patroller yourself?

Calkins: Oh, gosh. Probably as a teenager. I really just wanted to be a ski bum, and I thought, well, I’m going to have to work, and these guys are working. I think that would be really cool to be a ski patroller.

Miller: Two birds with one stone. You could ski and get some money too, instead of you spending your money on it.

Calkins: Exactly.

Miller: But you didn’t do that. I mean, as I mentioned, you didn’t become a ski patroller until the age of 33. So, what changed?

Calkins: I went to college and started a career in the tourism industry. I was working in LA and took some time off to do a long-distance hike. And my hiking partner was a ski patroller. We got talking about it and I was like, I’ve always wanted to do this as a profession. He connected me with the patrol director at the resort that he worked at and I just kind of leapt at that opportunity. I never looked back.

Miller: Before you had done it – and by the time you were an adult, as opposed to, I don’t know, a 15-year-old – when you were in your early 30s, what did you envision the work would be like?

Calkins: I don’t know that I had an idea. I knew that I would ski a lot and I knew that I would be helping people, but I never really thought about what helping people meant. Like we were trained, I went through training, and we were trained to perform lifesaving interventions. But I don’t think I had a clue, and I don’t think at that time ski patrol training really talked about what we were getting ourselves into, emotionally.

Miller: I want to get to that in just a few minutes, but maybe we should take a step back. For people who don’t know – and this may even include people who ski, maybe not – what kinds of responsibilities do ski patrollers have? I mean, what are you responsible for?

Calkins: Yeah, as a team, we’re responsible for making sure that the hill is ready to open, that all runs are ready. That includes any kind of avalanche mitigation or just looking at the slopes holistically, making sure that there’s nothing there that’s gonna hurt somebody. We’re also responsible for educating the public on how the conditions are: Is it icy? We’re responsible for risk mitigation, communication, and then also life saving, responding to injuries ... also training, like we’re always training. When we’re not skiing and we’re not out working a scene or helping somebody, we’re training, we’re talking about what’s going on. We’re talking about snow conditions, we’re riding the chairlift with guests, we’re talking to them and just making sure that everyone’s having a good time.

Miller: What do you remember about your first few weeks or months as a ski patroller?

Calkins: Oh, I was terrified. I was terrified that I’d get myself into something that I couldn’t handle, that I would freeze, that the muscle memory wasn’t quite there yet, that I’d be sent and I’d be alone. And I think that that really … you kind of think about that. I would just try to, like, sit at the top of the mountain and think about when I approach someone who’s injured, what’s the first thing I’m going to say, how am I gonna connect with them? How am I gonna discover what’s going on? Going over in my mind, how we would react in a situation.

Miller: Did that work …

Calkins: It does.

Miller: … that kind of preparation and going through the kinds of checklists that had been drilled into you in practice?

Calkins: Yeah. And I still do that today. If I get assigned or called out for a particular injury and I’m responding, as I’m responding, I’m taking the time as I’m skiing down to where they are and thinking about what am I gonna see? What am I gonna say? What am I gonna look for? So I’m kind of going through my routine. And just preparing myself.

Miller: Well, can you walk us through the visual part of that? What are you looking for? Let’s say it’s not that you’ve been called somewhere, but there’s somebody you see [who] is down the mountain, is motionless in some kind of a jumble. What are you looking for as you arrive?

Calkins: Well, I’m looking to make sure that it’s safe, that it’s safe for me to enter, that it’s that no one is going to come down on top of us. I’m just making sure … I’m looking at who’s around, who can help me. Are there other patrollers? Are there just members of the public that I can assign? I’m looking at, what is the guest wearing? How is the guest positioned? Are they crying? Are they smiling? I’m just taking in all this data to sort of help me figure out how to proceed.

Miller: Can you give us a sense just for the range of incidents that you’ve responded to over the course of your career?

Calkins: Yeah, that’s a good question. I mean, everything from someone who’s just really tired and kind of makes up an injury because they don’t want to ski anymore, to people losing their life or coming close to it, and everything in between.

Miller: So this gets us to what you were talking about earlier and the heart of your essay, that was in Longreads at the beginning of this year. How prepared were you emotionally for what you ended up having to confront?

Calkins: I mean, not at all. I had no idea that the trauma that I would be seeing would impact me, in a way. Like, it’s one thing to really connect with a guest who’s having a really difficult time, or you know they’re never gonna walk again before they do. I never knew that that would stay with me and that if I didn’t clear it out, it would become a problem, that I would need some sort of help or some sort of way to acknowledge, like, I’ve seen this, this hurts, this affects me, this impacts me. It stayed with me. So, yeah, that was a surprise, and it took a while. It wasn’t obvious that it was impacting me.

Miller: Well, maybe it’s more obvious now. But looking back, when do you now know that you started to experience problems because of what you were seeing, what you were doing, the rescues you were taking part in?

Calkins: I would say it was probably my first major incident, which was probably four or five years into my career. And it’s the one that I don’t dream about as much anymore, but it’s the one that I opened my essay with. I think, after that, because I kept thinking about him and I …

Miller: Do you mind … I have the benefit of having read your essay, but many of our listeners probably haven’t. So if you don’t mind just telling us some of the details of that story.

Calkins: It was a spring day and it was sunny, it was clear, it was kind of the end of the day. And this person was skiing, and I believe he had been drinking quite a bit. There may have been some drugs and he probably lost control. No one saw it. No one saw him fall. He flew off the trail. I think he was going at a high rate of speed and he hit a tree. And luckily, he was found by some kids who heard him. We would not have found him, I don’t think, that night – he was so far off the trail, and down and down in this kind of gully. And, yeah, he never walked again. We saved his life, but he never walked again.

Miller: And you said that you used to dream about that with some regularity?

Calkins: Yeah, it stuck with me. I always wondered how he was doing emotionally, physically, for like a year or two after.

Miller: It’s interesting, you’d said something earlier that really struck me, that one of the challenges of this was the knowledge you had about the severity of these injuries and that you had that knowledge before these skiers did. It’s possible maybe they were super out of it or less aware, maybe they were unconscious. But I think the example you gave was that you would know that they would never walk again before they would know. What was it about that imbalance of knowledge that you are still thinking about?

Calkins: To be clear, like, obviously I’m not a doctor and I don’t diagnose, ever. But I think that in our medical training, you know. You know the signs and symptoms – when someone loses feeling. Part of our treatment, what’s called palpating … so we’re palpating their body, we’re feeling for things, we’re looking at their face for response. So there’s a little bit of knowledge there. It’s not always correct, but there is some knowledge, and it takes a while sometimes for people to realize how hurt they are. Even just like a broken wrist for someone who uses their hands for their livelihood, you sort of kind of talk to them and start to tell them, “so your wrist …” and kind of lead them to realizing that this injury that’s happened right now could impact them far into the future.

Miller: What kinds of coping mechanisms did you turn to in those early years?

Calkins: The culture of ski patrol, it’s like any, I guess, employment where you’re kind of working intensely with your coworkers and you’re in these situations where you’re really relying on somebody. It wasn’t uncommon to go grab a beer after a shift, or two, and just kind of decompress and talk about what happened, talk about our day. And you’re talking about these things in a way where people know, they know what you’re feeling, they know what you went through. So alcohol featured quite strongly in that culture and still does.

Miller: Do you think that being a woman affected what you’re talking about here? I guess, I’m wondering if you felt more of a social pressure to tamp down these feelings or were less interested in talking about these feelings because you wanted to fit into what I imagine could be a kind of macho world of high-powered first responders.

Calkins: It’s probably not so much about being a woman. I think it’s about feeling confident and not admitting that you don’t know it all or that you feel like a failure, because the trauma, the situation, you’re scared and you don’t want to admit it. And the truth is, we’re all scared. We’re all scared. We’re all thoughtful about what’s going on, what we’re seeing. Sometimes it throws you, and you just don’t wanna admit that because you wanna have everybody’s back that you’re working with, and you don’t want to be perceived as someone who’s weaker or can’t do the job. But I think we all can. It affects you and it’s sort of cumulative, that cumulative experience, and no way to process it other than drinking and talking about it with coworkers

Miller: Was there a breaking point for you?

Calkins: I don’t think there was a breaking point. I think what happened was I just did it and I was stressed, and that stress never left me. I’m a bit of an endurance junkie, so I would just sort of go out and work it out on a long trail run. I don’t think there was any one incident or instant …

Yeah, I think what finally made me realize that I wasn’t totally OK was that there’s something kind of new in the ski patrol world and I would say it’s probably the last five to seven years. It’s called Psychological First Aid. And it’s really about helping rescuers be OK, talk about what they’re seeing, talk about how they’re feeling, whether that’s emotionally or physically. Like it’s a very physical job, and to do it full time and to see injury upon injury, it takes a lot out of you. Yeah, and I think we have to be more proactive now and just admit, hey, “I’m not feeling it today. I need a minute. I need a moment.”

Miller: How does Psychological First Aid work in practice? Because you’re saying that, in the end, it seems like that has been helpful for you. I’m curious what the actual mechanism is?

Calkins: I think different patrols do it different. I mean, not everybody is the same. But what we do … and it started out anonymous, but now we do it in an open room. So every shift, in the beginning – we have a morning meeting, talk about the day – we go around the room and everybody picks a color. And that color represents how you’re feeling. So green is “Good to go. I can do anything today.” Yellow is “I’m up for it, but I’m tired” or “I’m not totally in the game mentally.” And then there’s other colors – orange and red – and those signify that you’re pretty distraught, could use some help and maybe you need to go home. So we go around the room and we just admit our humanity, I guess is how you would say it. Like green, “I’m great. I had a great night’s sleep. I’m physically able. I’m emotionally able.” And yellow just means that “I might be a little tired, but I’ll get around to it.”

And it’s not to say that we can’t do our job. It’s just a way to vent, and to be honest, and confront each other, and give each other hugs, and just be human. And usually, if you start out yellow, you trend to green. It’s a really nice way to kind of make sure everybody’s doing OK, because we do see a lot. We do do a lot, and it is physically, mentally and emotionally challenging.

Miller: When you were starting out, could you have said any color but green? Did you feel like you had the freedom to say that you were anything but tip-top shape?

Calkins: No, I felt like it’s on me, I gotta show up. I’m getting paid to do a job, like I need to show up green, whether I am or not … I just felt like I can’t be anything but green. I think that’s why we initially did it anonymously, to kind of take that sort of pressure off. And I think that helped. The way we did it anonymously – we have like a mailbox that had a little lid and there were colored keychain rings that you would pick one and throw in the mailbox. Then our patrol director would look at it and they would see, OK, I’ve got 10 keychains in here. I’ve got seven green and three yellow. It just is data. I’ve got some members of my team who are a little down. Maybe I’m gonna give a morning meeting speech that’s a little different. So, yeah, it took me a while to really buy into the program, for sure.

Miller: We started with talking about what skiing meant. We’ve obviously dug deep into being a ski patroller, but what does skiing itself mean to you now?

Calkins: Oh, I can’t imagine not doing it. I mean, it’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am. It’s my community. It’s how I meet people, how I’ve met people. And it’s just, I don’t know, there’s just something about being out in nature, in the cold. It’s just beautiful. It just brings me back to when I was a kid growing up, skiing with my family.

Miller: And so seeing on a day-to-day basis the worst case scenarios and being the person responsible for responding to those worst case scenarios, it hasn’t tempered the joy or the freedom in the act itself? You still feel the same way about skiing, even having done this job for decades?

Calkins: Yeah, I do. I will admit that there was a time … I was working at a really busy resort, and it did, just seeing that kind of trauma day in and day out. It was a really, really busy resort. So we saw a lot of really interesting and scary injuries, and it did take the joy out of it. I think that’s why I did take some time off – I took two years off. But no, I mean, I still love to show up, put my boots on, get out the door, be first on the lift and just get out there and start working.

Miller: Cathleen, thanks so much and maybe I will see you on a lift one day.

Calkins: Thanks so much.

Miller: Cathleen Calkins is a ski patroller at Hoodoo now. She’s based in Sisters. She’s also a board member of Women of Patrol.

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