REBROADCAST: How to better support LGBTQ youth in foster care

LGBTQ youth are more than twice as likely to experience homelessness than their peers, due to a lack of support. Oregon youth in foster care need more options for temporary homes with foster parents committed to creating an affirming and safe environment. The state’s child welfare department is partnering with Basic Rights Oregon and Unicorn Solutions to educate people about the depth of the need in an online event called Fostering Pride. The first one was held in June and they’re holding another September 26. We talk with Unicorn Solutions founder Elliott Hinkle, who was formerly in foster care as a teen, and current foster parent Mel Jory-Heywood.

Note: This transcript was computer generated and edited by a volunteer.

Dave Miller: From the Gert Boyle Studio at OPB, this is Think Out Loud. I’m Dave Miller. According to the Oregon Department of Human Services, LGBTQ youth make up one in three young people in foster care. As the agency points out, they’re in the system, not because of their sexual orientation or gender identity but because of the lack of support they’ve received from the people around them. This is the impetus behind an online event called Fostering Pride. It’s being held this coming Tuesday [June 20] at 6 p.m. It’s being put on by the state’s child welfare department in partnership with Basic Rights Oregon and a consulting company called Unicorn Solutions. They want to encourage more people to become foster parents with the focus on providing LGBTQ youth loving, affirming and culturally competent homes.

Elliott Hinkle, who was formerly in foster care is the founder of Unicorn Solutions. Mel Jory-Heywood is currently a foster parent and they both join me now. It’s great to have both of you on the show.

Elliott Hinkle: Thanks for having us.

Mel Jory-Heywood: Thank you. Hi.

Miller: Hey. Elliott, first, why is it that LGBTQ youth have such higher rates of both foster placements, which I just mentioned, and also homelessness?

Hinkle: I think a big part of it has to do with familial rejection, community rejection, trying to be accepted and not being that. So either it’s running away from home or needing to find another place. Hopefully the resource and foster care system is going to give them a place to land that affirms their identity and supports them. But it doesn’t always work out, so sometimes that even leads to homelessness. I think a big part of this is that all young people need a place to thrive. Loving and affirming queer and trans youth is both a way to do that and to also prevent suicide. It’s very important.

Miller: When did you enter the foster system? How old were you?

Hinkle: I was about 15. It was the summer between middle school and high school, an interesting time to transition into care. Yeah.

Miller: Can you describe your relationship with that family?

Hinkle: Yeah. I had an initial family that I was with. I actually just got to see them last week in Wyoming for their Pride celebrations. I was with them for about three months, and then I moved into a community foster home for about three years. I stayed there until I entered college and … other things took part. Yeah.

Miller: What messages did you get from that family you were with for a longer time in terms of their attitudes towards LGBTQ people?

Hinkle: Yeah. I think what was challenging is that – and this is something I talk to people a lot about – there was one moment sort of when my foster mom said something that told me I couldn’t come out to her. We were watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’; it was the first lesbian kiss on the show, and internally I was excited. But externally, she said something like, ‘Ew, that’s disgusting.’ In that moment, as a 15 or 16 year old, I was like, ‘I can’t come out to you’ and so I didn’t. Years later, she called me and said, ‘I heard that you’re queer’ and ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I said, well, I couldn’t tell you exactly when I didn’t because I didn’t think it was safe. I was worried about housing, not prom or my grades. I was worried about housing and permanency.

So coming out was an adventure when I turned into an adult that felt like the options were now mine to make, when it should be that a teen – in a time when they’re developing their identity – can explore that fully and safely.

Miller: I can imagine that for her this was just this throwaway moment, and for you it was potentially life changing.

Hinkle: Absolutely.

Miller: You got a glimpse into what she really felt.

Hinkle: Yes. And I know that she loves me and loved me then. I think she needed time to really understand, and she eventually came around to that. But at the time it was so small but it was huge for me. I think for young people it’s those moments that really change it for them.

Miller: Mel, what was your path to becoming a foster parent?

Jory-Heywood: Hi Dave.

Miller: Hey.

Jory-Heywood: Big fan of your work. Nice to be here. Hello.

Miller: Thank you. I’m thrilled to have you on.

Jory-Heywood: I got to give a big shout-out to my spouse, who is a trans person, Ryan. When I met Ryan, Ryan was doing solo foster care for at-risk youth in the Boys & Girls Aid program. Through the work that he was doing, I got to see first hand how important it is to give kids who have been through trauma, who have not found a place to land, how important it is to give them an affirming space where they can grow and be themselves and receive that support. So Ryan and I, after we were married, we decided to enter the foster system together and become foster parents. We have been doing that since March of 2020.

Miller: How many children have you now been a foster parent to for some period of time?

Jory-Heywood: We have had six kiddos in our care, of varying lengths of time. We have one adopted daughter who we initially were foster parents for.

Miller: Have you personally spent time with kids who entered the system for the reasons that Elliott was just talking about? Essentially because they didn’t feel safe being who they were in other families?

Jory-Heywood: Yes, definitely. And we have provided respite care, which is sort of ‘foster care light’ where you can provide over-nights or weekends as a respite for other foster families. Through doing that, we have had the opportunity to meet and care for youth who are LGBTQ oriented. They entered care – I mean just broadly, without talking about any one case specifically – they have entered care because they just could not find the support. The message that they got in their homes of origin was: you’re weird; you’re not good enough; you’re doing this to push back, to rebel; this is a phase; you’re a freak… you know, all of the worst things that you can think of and just not receiving that support. That in itself is a trauma experience regardless of any other factors that are going on. So just seeing these kids in care and in a supportive home… you don’t have to be a genius. You just support, love, give empathy, allow that trust to build, and the kids just blossom and flourish.

Miller: I’m interested in the last part you were just saying. I mean, because I’m wondering how different do you think that the support and love you’re talking about is from just the regular love and support that you’d want any kid to be growing up with you? If that question makes sense.

Jory-Heywood: It makes total sense. Elliott and I were actually talking about this in the green room earlier. It’s not different. Every kid, every youth, deserves a love that includes asking questions about who you are. What do you like? What are you interested in? And if it doesn’t vibe with your personal belief system, you have to be able to pull back and say, ‘Well, I am here to support this human being growing into the person that they’re meant to become. This isn’t about me.’ So, it’s really not different. There’s not a special gold label on LGBT....

Miller: A rainbow label.

Jory-Heywood: Yeah. I mean, we say that so it’s visible and we can be proud of who we are, but youth need the same levels of care and attention. Everyone is worried about their grades. Everyone is worried about their friend group. They’re gonna earn their first paycheck. They’re gonna have to figure out how to do chores. It’s all the same. Support them.

Hinkle: Yeah. I think it’s such a gift though, too, when young people are willing to tell you who they are. When any person shares with you who they are, that to me is such a sacred gift. My hope is that people would shift to a place of, ‘Thank you so much for telling me. How can I support you? What do these terms mean for you? What can I connect you to?’ Instead, I think people sometimes are afraid of this information and want to shut it down. That, for me, is sad because there’s a young person in front of you trying to figure out who they are, and you have an opportunity to help them figure that out, and celebrate that.

Miller: How much support do prospective foster parents, or even prospective respite care people, get from the state?

Jory-Heywood: Great question. It can vary, but there is a lot of support available. My family has been fortunate to have a really fantastic certifier. That is a person who works with ODHS to do a home study – basically make sure that you’re a safe place for kids in the foster system. Our certifier, I’m gonna call her out, Katie Sherman. She has been an integral part to us getting support because we’ve had six placements, and each of those kids has had a whole different set of case workers, lawyers, court appointed special advocates [CASA] – just a lot of different people to work with.

The certifier is really the central hub of getting the support. So, you have an ally who can help you navigate the system. Anything like DHS is gonna have some bureaucracy to navigate, but you can do it and there’s help.

Miller: Elliot, it seems like one of the big reasons for this event, this coming Tuesday, is to get more people who have the time, the inclination, the desire to help, to actually get them to take part in this important and I think life-altering decision. I mean, to take part in helping people who don’t have help in some other way. What’s your pitch? How do you get adults to actually say, I’m going to open my home up?

Hinkle: Yeah, I think it’s such a gift to have someone in your home and to help them grow into adulthood, to successfully launch into adult…

Miller: A gift to the adult, you’re saying?

Hinkle: A gift to the adult and the youth. I think both people ideally get to grow and learn from this opportunity. When your home is affirming, as a young person, you’ll be able to actually develop a relationship with that family or that person and to launch into adulthood feeling supported and affirmed. So I want people to understand that we need more placements; we need them to be affirming for young people; and, as much as there can be challenges in being a resource parent, I think many of them are the same challenges any parent faces, and there’s so much reward to helping someone get into adulthood successfully. So how could we help convince people to say that, this is a journey that may be challenging at times but really is gonna pay off and give you a lot of joy, a lot of self reflection, a lot of even new connections and family and experiences you would have maybe never had. What a gift to give to that young person as well.

Miller: How do you think about family reunification in the context of the kind of intolerance that we’re talking about here? Let’s say that we’re not talking about serious substance use issues which are leading to that version of mistreatment. We’re talking about someone not accepting their kids for who they are. Do you think about unification in that context?

Hinkle: Yeah, when I’ve talked to young people across the country about, ‘If your family had received services around reunification and supporting and affirming you, would they have taken place in them?’ a lot of them have said sort of, ‘I’m not sure. Maybe.’ because it’s hard to understand and even imagine that when it hasn’t gone well. But I think for plenty of youth they’re also like, ‘It would have been great to see my parent engage in that process.’ So, if there had been a process to say, ‘I want my family to get it. Can we get them counseling, support information?’ I think for a lot of young people, when that healing does happen, it’s so huge and reparative. So, for me, I think it’s important that we give that opportunity.

For me, the first priority of foster care is reunification first. If we can get a young person back to their family, let’s do that. So, if you want to become a resource parent, you may not be the forever parent, but you may still actually be in their life for a lifetime. You might be a mentor or community connection.

Miller: This gets to a broader question that I don’t expect anyone to have a magic answer for this. But, obviously, it would be better if all biological families with queer youth were supportive and loving, if they created homes where their kids knew that they belonged. How do you make that more likely?

Hinkle: Yeah, I think giving people access to information and exposure. When I’ve, again, gone across the country and talked to people, I’ve sat down with cisgender men who have questions that just are needing to be answered. But I think there’s this fear of someone’s gonna cancel them, they’re gonna get it wrong. But often they just needed information to sort of get that much closer to being supportive and affirming. When I can take the time to be patient and say, ‘Let me clear this up for you, let me answer these questions,’ I can see people year after year, that I reconnect with, sort of grow in their understanding and ability to affirm. It’s not the work for everyone. It can be very exhausting work for me as a trans person and a person from foster care, but I also see it working. So I sort of want to do that tedious hand holding of like, ‘Let’s get you to the place where you can be there.’

Miller: Creating a safe space to make mistakes.

Hinkle: Absolutely. Absolutely. That’s the only way we’re going to grow and learn. I think so much can be done there. I’ve experienced a lot of harm. I went through conversion therapy. For me, I would still love to sit across the table of the people who put me in that situation to say, ‘Let’s talk about why it was wrong and how you could have better loved me,’ when that was what they were preaching.

Miller: You know, it’s interesting that you brought up the phrase conversion therapy because, in a sense, that’s what I was imagining when you were talking about helping parents. That, in a sense, is what you’re talking about.

Hinkle: Yeah. And, for me, it’s not so much conversion. That to me would be the reparative part of it, right? Of this, I want you to understand your humanity and the humanity of the person that I know you love. You love your child, right? And so, if that’s the case, how can we get you to a place so you fully see them without wanting to sort of cast apart these parts of them? There’s a quote from Alok Vaid-Menon that says: ‘What part of yourself did you have to destroy in order to survive in this world?’ Youth shouldn’t be destroying any parts of themselves to survive in this world.

Miller: Elliott Hinkle and Mel Jory-Heywood, thanks very much.

Hinkle: Thank you.

Jory-Heywood: Thanks for having us.

Miller: Elliott Hinkle is the founder of Unicorn Solutions which supports child welfare, youth mental health and LGBTQ people. Mel Jory-Heywood is a foster parent now, also a show producer and a recovering stand up comedian.

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