Finding love in the midst of grief in Grant County

Marlou and Ken Delano weren’t looking to get remarried when they met at Thadd’s Place, a grief counseling center in John Day. They are both in their 80s, and were mourning their spouses of roughly 50 and 60 years, respectively. But their shared grief brought them closer together, and unexpectedly, sparks flew. The couple will celebrate their first anniversary on June 4. The Delanos join us to share their story, as well as their hopes for the future.

This transcript was created by a computer and edited by a volunteer.

Dave Miller: This is Think Out Loud on OPB. I’m Dave Miller. Marlou and Ken Delano were not looking to get remarried when they met at a grief support group in John Day about three years ago. They’re both in their eighties and they were mourning their spouses. Marlou had been married for about 50 years, Ken more than 60 but their shared grief brought them closer together and eventually, unexpectedly, sparks flew. The couple is going to celebrate their first wedding anniversary on June 4th.

We went to visit them yesterday and sat outside on their patio with a majestic view across the John Day Valley to the Blue Mountains in the distance. Every now and then, a gust of wind would jingle the wind chimes and you just have to believe me here: We did not fake these sounds. The wind, especially at the end, just seems to be a fan of this love story. I started by asking Marlou what led them to the support group.

Marlou Delano: Well, I think actually both of us were in the same place as far as grieving goes. We’d been married a long time.

Miller: How long had each of you been married?

M. Delano: Almost 50 years and Ken was married 60 years and you can’t anticipate the pain of that kind of loss. Nobody does. When you’re used to being with a certain person and you’ve known them for all those years, you just become one person. And so I knew I needed some help because I lost the sense of who I was. I really did. I didn’t know how to be with people anymore and I just didn’t have a sense of where I would go from here.

So I was invited by the social worker at hospice to join this group. I don’t think anybody really wants to go right away because if you don’t know who you are and you don’t know how to be with people anymore, it’s scary. And it does take courage to step out and go to something like that and Ken was going through the same thing–real in depth pain, not knowing quite how to deal with life at that moment–and he felt the same way. He missed the first meeting but made the second.

Miller: Ken, how did you decide that you would go to this group as opposed to just dealing with your pain by yourself?

Ken Delano: Well, that’s really an interesting question for me because I always felt that I could just do what we call cowboy up and get up and take care of it.

Miller: No matter the pain, physical or emotional?

K. Delano: Yeah, you just have to live on and go through it. And I did miss the first meeting and I was invited by a very helpful group that we had at the time and I turned her down and then the following Monday I called up and said, can I still get in? I had determined that I really needed the help because..

Miller: What had happened in that one week that made you change your mind?

K. Delano: Well, I was kind of a loner and didn’t have the support of people. Marlou had a whole church of long-time friends. And when my kids went home, I was pretty much here with, well, nobody for a while. Nothing in that house but me breathed.

Miller: And I imagine a lot of memories?

K. Delano:  And everything was a memory and every chair that you looked at, you expected to see that person there that you’ve been with for 61 years. So I finally said I needed to get smart about this and so I went to the second meeting and it was just what I expected. When I got in front of people, I pretty much fell apart. It was the worst public appearance I’d ever put in. I’d always had it together.

Miller: Was there a relief in that?

K. Delano: There was. By the time the second meeting came around, I began to see that there were people actually that had a different and tougher grief than I had. Younger people had lost a spouse in a car wreck or something similar. I kind of anticipated that I was going to lose my wife, but it’s always a shocker. And by the third week, I had become a pretty good listener.

Then there was this lady who didn’t speak hardly at all. But when she did, I could really understand what she was saying. I was becoming more and more interested in that lady and about the fifth meeting, she said that Charlie was having problems getting along without the father figure that he’d had for those 25 years or 28. So I said after the meeting, what if the three of us go to lunch and maybe it’ll help Charlie to have a man to talk to?

Miller: Marlou, this is your son, right?

M. Delano: Charlie’s been with me since he was six years old. Well, five years old.

Miller: So Ken said we can all go out together. It might help the two of you.

What did you say?

M. Delano: Well, I said, ok, I figured for Charlie’s sake, it would be a good thing. But when we went out to lunch and it was for Charlie, it was the first time I had laughed. I mean, this guy is so funny and he is so great and I laughed and I thought I just laughed. I just laughed.

Miller: That was the first moment?

M. Delano: Yeah. Uh-huh. That’s the first time I could remember since all of the losses began that I had been able to laugh.

Miller: Huh.

M. Delano: Yeah. And it just felt so wonderful to be able to laugh. I didn’t connect to laugh with him at the time, but [laughter] yeah. Yeah. And he understood where I was and why I was the way I was at the time. So, yeah. And there was a depth about it. It wasn’t just talk, there was depth. He understood and I understood him.

Miller: Even if you weren’t talking about at that moment, the loss that the two of you had been through, there was a shared understanding?

M. Delano: Right. Yeah.

Miller: Ken, what do you remember about that first lunch?

K. Delano: I remember pretty much the same thing and I drove home to this empty house and on the way up here I thought, I sure hope it helped Charlie because it sure did me and then things came up and we didn’t get together. And I thought, wow, that was just a flash in the pan. I’ll never really see them again. So the nine weeks of the grief group was running down and finally we had to the second meeting or lunch and by that time I knew that I could really maybe find somebody, not to replace my first wife, but to be a long term partner that would have mutual understanding of the world. And we found that to be really true almost.

We’ll be married a year on June 4th and almost everything has lined up. We don’t disagree on anything but her dog maybe a time or two.

[Laughter]

Miller: I won’t get into that at this moment. Marlou, was there a moment when this clicked for you? I appreciate what Ken said that for you getting married again was not about a replacement, but it was about moving forward, finding a companion for the next chapter of your life. Marlou, when did you feel that same way?

M. Delano: Well, he asked me to marry him nine times.

Miller: Meaning eight times, you said no?

M. Delano: I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes.

[Laughter]

Miller: Ok. That sounds like a lot, Ken. Why did you keep asking?

K. Delano: Well, I had a sheet at home when I was out in the world trying to make things happen that talked a lot about perseverance and so that had kind of become a custom with me and it was. At first it was kind of in a humorous way and I would tell her that the roads were clear to Winnemucca this weekend and different places in Nevada where you could go.

Miller: The roads are clear to Winnemucca, the most romantic line I can imagine.

[Laughter]

K. Delano: You know, I didn’t know too much about how it works.

Miller:  Well, it worked. Well, Marlou, why did you not say yes, eight times?

M. Delano: I was scared.

Miller: …and then say yes, the last time you. What were you scared of?

M. Delano: I, again, was just trying to find out who I was and I didn’t know if I would be good enough. I wasn’t sure. And there was just a fear there but he would text me these funny things and I’d find myself laughing again.

K. Delano: What she didn’t tell you was that a lot of her texts were sent two and three in the morning because neither one of us was in a very stable situation for loneliness.

Miller: So part of your relationship was texting each other in the middle of the night?

M. Delano: Uh-huh.

K. Delano:  I sent her this text and almost immediately I got this text back and I thought…

M. Delano: It was like 2:30 in the morning.

K. Delano: What was she doing sitting up there? So I wrote almost the volume of these texts and I kept asking her to marry me every time we would get together and that we had a real opportunity. One night she called me up and she said that that trip to Las Vegas sounds better and better every day.

Miller: So Marlou, you were the one who in the end sort of brought it back up, said yes to Ken?

M. Delano: Yeah, I’ve said to other people in our group at times, they just think that life is going to be the way it is for them, and I’ve said sometimes you have to have courage to step out. And I was building my courage during that time I shared with him. I said, I don’t even know if I’ll remember how to kiss anymore, all those things that you don’t think about. I don’t know what foods he likes. I don’t like all of those things that you’re going to have to learn. Would I be able to do that? I mean, you just feel like you don’t have any tools. I’m going to be 82 here in a few months and I didn’t have the up-to-date tools, so to speak.

K. Delano: But I told her that we could spend the rest of our life practicing these things like kissing. [Laughter] And we still make jokes about that.

M. Delano: And the thing that actually changed my mind, he said we both come from a marriage that had wonderful mates, wonderful mates. But there’s another chapter still in our lives. We have another chapter, the last chapter, let’s spend it together.

K. Delano: If you read the story in a book, you’d say, well, that’s fiction for you. But it’s really been a challenge trying to move two homes together and I’m trying to do some things to this house so she can look around and see things she’s familiar with and it’ll be her home. And she plays the harp and keyboard and about three kinds of harps, but we’ll have the sun room and another room to have music and crafts. I always thought only angels played harps. Now I know it’s true.

Miller: Marlou, how much does it feel like your late spouses are a part of this new marriage?

M. Delano: Well, that’s a nice thing that we can talk about a spouse without any upset between the two of us. It’s just open.

Miller: Without a sense of jealousy?

M. Delano: Without anything like that. In fact, it’s helped us to get to know each other better by knowing more about how that life was. And the nicest part, I think, is that at our ages it’s helped me to love deeper because I don’t have lots of time to develop it. We found that sometimes people take years in a marriage to really get to know each other because they’re so busy with other things, either raising families or working or whatever and we’re limited by time. And so Ken has often mentioned let’s do it now. Or when we sit down, we have the freedom. It’s built something more in depth in us.

When we talk, we talk about the things that matter to each of us. And it’s just a wonderful thing. That’s all I can say is, it’s a wonderful thing to be here at this point. And because we both know what loss is so we’re so grateful to have each other that we want to give to the other one everything that we can give to them while we can give it to them. Does that make sense?

Miller: It does.

K. Delano: And there’s a different level of joy and a different level of fun and a different level of laughter. He can sing and he can whistle like nobody. We weren’t married very long when every morning started whistling and singing. And next thing I knew, we were dancing in the kitchen and things that I’ve never done and I loved it. I love it. I love the freedom. Once you become courageous and you step across those steps, life just becomes exciting and wonderful when you’re limited.

Miller: Ken, Marlou, thank you very, very much and congratulations.

M. Delano: Thank you. Thank you for coming and sharing with us our time.

Miller: Marlou and Ken Delano will celebrate their first wedding anniversary together on June 4th.

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